​Seniors Matter(s): What is grief?

Grief is a strong, sometimes overwhelming, emotion for people, regardless of whether their sadness stems from the loss of a loved one or from a terminal diagnosis they or someone they love, has received. Grief is the natural reaction to loss. Grief is both a universal and a personal experience.

At some point in your life, you probably learned or heard of the five stages of grief:
 

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

These were first identified by Swiss American psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, “On Death and Dying.” But what you may not know is that, although Kübler-Ross’ work is still well-respected by psychologists, it has also been misunderstood at times.

For example, the stages of a griever are not necessarily experienced in a linear fashion. You may not experience the stages in the exact order listed, or in distinct forms. You might even experience stages that haven’t been identified!

As David Kessler, who co-authored several books with Kübler-Ross, explains, the stages of grief are only meant to be used as a framework to understand your state of grief. We all grieve in our own unique way and in our own time.

That said, understanding that there are some collective truths about the grieving process can be reassuring as you begin your journey through grief. Losses, especially traumatic ones, can be difficult to process. Knowing you are not alone in your feelings might give you some much-needed solace.

Understanding the stages of grief after loss can be freeing for many people because it gives them a road map for understanding the myriad intense and complicated emotions they are experiencing.

However, no one can go through a grieving process alone. You are meant to be supported by friends, family, or a grief counsellor as you move through these difficult stages. For many of us, professional help from a therapist is necessary as we process this difficult experience and learn how to manage grief.

Most of all, whatever stages of grief you experience – and in whatever order – your feelings are valid and understandable. Take your time moving through them and remember that the best way to heal is to let yourself experience your feelings as fully as possible, without judgement, and with loving care.

Just remember, if you are struggling to get through the grief process on your own, grief counselling can be a helpful solution.

Grief can keep you from getting the regular sleep your mind and body need. You might have trouble going to sleep, or you might wake up often in the night or even sleep too much. Good sleep habits can help. Wind down slowly before bed with something calm like a bath, a book, or breathing exercises, and go to bed and wake up at the same time each day.

The emotional toll of grief can drain your energy. To keep up your strength, be sure to eat enough, even if you don’t feel like it. And exercise - something as simple as a short walk can really help. It's also good to stay connected with family and friends. And a mental health professional or a support group may be able to give you a sense of connection, along with tools to help you through your grief.

There's some evidence that grief can take a toll on your body’s ability to fight illness and infection, especially if it goes on for a long time. Talk to your doctor or a mental health professional if you're having trouble coming to terms with your loss.

This happens when your immune system responds to something it sees as a threat and makes tissues in your body swell. It can play a role in heart disease, arthritis, diabetes, asthma, and possibly cancer. There's evidence that grief is linked to inflammation, and some studies show the more severe the grief, the more serious the inflammation. Exercise and eating right can help you manage it.

The events that cause grief can make you feel like you don’t have control over your life. You might be concerned about your financial future or being alone or the possibility of losing someone else. Some worry is normal, but if your anxiety lasts longer than a few months or gets in the way of your normal work or home life, it may be time to talk to a mental health professional. 

This is sometimes called the “stress hormone,” and your body may release more of it than usual into your bloodstream in the six months after the loss of a loved one. High levels of cortisol over a long period can raise your chances of heart disease or high blood pressure.

Grief can lead you to stop eating on a regular schedule or to binge eat. And stress hormones can make you nauseous or bother your stomach and the rest of your digestive tract.

Grief may make you more likely to have joint pain, back pain, or headaches. Part of the reason could be the muscle tension caused by the stress hormones your body releases in response to grief. This should get better over time but talk to your doctor about how to manage the pain if it doesn’t go away.

Serious grief can keep your pulse high for as long as six months. This faster rate, which could be caused by anxiety or the release of cortisol, might increase your chances of heart problems. Talk to your doctor about adding or changing your medication, especially if you already have heart issues.

The sudden loss of a spouse or loved one can cause a jolt of intense emotion and trigger hormones that lead to sharp chest pain and trouble breathing. Your heart may not pump blood as well for a while. It can feel like a heart attack, but it usually doesn’t damage your heart or block your arteries. Most people get better within a few days or weeks.

Try to get enough sleep and watch for signs of heart attack like chest and stomach pain, cold sweats, nausea, and dizziness.

Unfortunately, we all must pass this sorrowful state, many times.

I believe we need to acknowledge its power and work hard to overcome it as we do many other challenges.

‘Till next time, life is often a struggle, but worth the effort. -- DW